Calming Presence

How to Remove the Chip on Your Shoulder

- BY LEIF PETERSON, LPC, NCC

As men, we have all probably had the experience of feeling angry when we feel disrespected. It might be from another driver flipping us the bird, getting cut off or being honked at. It might be the tone of a boss or customer that feels demeaning or overly demanding. It might be a partner, or someone we are interested in, being hit on by another man. These experiences can swirl around in our heads for hours, days, weeks, years. What is it about being disrespected that causes such rage, anxiety, or depression? We have received the message, either from parents, friends and/or culture, that being seen as weak will lead to lower status, less chance of romantic partners and less earning potential. The sad truth is that this is at least partially true.

According to a study referenced in an article on the American Psychogical Association Website (APA), “each inch above average may be worth $789 more per year.” They’re talking about height here fellas, just to be clear. Ok, so give yourself some grace if you have a pattern of ruminating on incidents during which you felt disrespected, or flew into a rage when someone cut you off in traffic, or feel resentment when you try to connect with people on dating apps and get infrequent and unenthusiastic engagement. All these things can feel like existential threats, because our brains are going off data from hundreds of thousands of years of evolution during which being larger, stronger and having traditionally masculine characteristics meant surviving and passing on our genes. The pressure from these survival instincts has contributed to a crisis in men’s mental health, about which men often feel unable to share openly due to fear they might be seen as weak.

Men’s Mental Health: A Silent Crisis

In recent years, there has been a growing awareness about mental health, yet the conversation often overlooks a critical demographic: men. Despite societal advances, men’s mental health remains a relatively under-discussed topic, wrapped in layers of cultural expectations and traditional gender roles. This silence and stigma can have devastating consequences, affecting not only individual men but also their families and communities. 

The Stigma and Its Roots

Historically, men have been conditioned to embody strength, stoicism, and self-sufficiency. Emotions, particularly those perceived as vulnerabilities like sadness or fear, have often been culturally sidelined as signs of weakness. This portrayal contributes to a dangerous narrative that seeking help or even discussing mental health struggles becomes a source of shame.

The “man up” mentality pervades many societies and dictates that men should suppress their emotions. This approach can deter men from accessing mental health resources or confiding in others about their struggles. Such conditions foster isolation and exacerbate mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and substance abuse.

Statistics Highlighting the Crisis

The statistics paint a stark picture of men’s mental health:

  • Men are less likely than women to seek mental health treatment. 
  • Suicide rates among men are significantly higher compared to women. According to the World Health Organization, nearly three times as many men as women die by suicide.
  • Substance abuse is more prevalent among men, which can often be a form of self-medication for untreated mental health issues.
  • Men are less likely to be diagnosed with anxiety or depression, partly due to underreporting and partly due to the presentation of symptoms which may differ from typical diagnostic criteria. Men are more likely to mask depression, anxiety and the effects of unprocessed trauma with substance use or anger, as these are seen as more socially acceptable than being incompetent or weak.
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Barriers to Seeking Help

Several barriers prevent men from seeking help for mental health issues:

  • Social Stigma: The fear of being perceived as weak or less masculine can deter men from acknowledging their struggles.
  • Lack of Awareness:  Many men are unaware of the signs of mental health deterioration and do not realize when it is time to seek help. 
  • Inadequate Support Systems: Men might have fewer social connections or less intimate relationships where they feel comfortable discussing mental health.
  • Resource Accessibility: Mental health services are often not tailored to address specific male issues, which can make men feel alienated from available support mechanisms.

Moving Forward: Addressing the Crisis

To combat this crisis, several steps must be taken:

  • Increasing Awareness and Education: By promoting mental health literacy specifically targeted at men, we can break down the myths surrounding mental health and masculinity.
  • Encouraging Open Conversations: Creating spaces where men feel safe to discuss their mental health without judgment can help break the cycle of silence.
  • Tailoring Mental Health Resources: Developing resources that resonate with men and address their unique needs can encourage more men to seek help.
  • Role Models: Public figures and influencers being open about their mental health struggles can have a powerful impact on changing public perceptions.  Multiple gold-winning Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps is a good example, read more here

The Solution

Addressing men’s mental health is not just about helping men; it’s about healing communities and families. It requires dismantling outdated stereotypes and encouraging men to understand and take care of their mental well-being. By shifting societal attitudes and improving resources, we can hope to not only save lives but also enhance the quality of life for countless individuals who suffer in silence. Let’s ensure that our fathers, brothers, sons, and friends know that it’s okay not to be okay and that help is not only available but also accessible. 

Men’s Mental Health: Coping with a Smile

Alright, fellas, it’s time to put down that “man up” card and pick up something more useful, like a sense of humor. Who says talking about mental health must be all doom and gloom? Let’s tackle this subject with a bit of laughter, because, as the saying goes, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, just wait, someone else will.”

Recognizing the Signs (Hint: It’s Not Just a Case of the Mondays)

First things first: recognizing that something’s up. No, you’re not just in a “funk” because your favorite team lost or because your boss thinks you’re a mind reader. Feeling persistently down, anxious, or like you want to strangle your alarm clock more than usual might be signs that you need to give your mental health some TLC.

Step 1: The Art of Grunting

Ever notice how cavemen didn’t seem to have anxiety issues? They had one form of communication: grunting. Try this ancient technique to vent your frustrations. Stub your toe? “Ugh!” Get a frustrating email? “Arrgh!” It’s surprisingly therapeutic and keeps the words you’ll regret later firmly locked away. A long exasperated “Ahhhhhh” actually vibrates the vocal cords, stimulating the Vagus Nerve, which activates the parasympathetic part of the nervous system. Parasympathetic arousal is associated with calm, healing, social engagement and gives your body time to recover from stress. Try it, see how long you can hold that sound. The longer the better, as it is more likely to trigger the parasympathetic system, nicknamed “Rest and Digest” or “Feed and Breed.”

Step 2: Channel Your Inner Comedian

When life hands you a mental health crisis, don’t take it too seriously, and don’t waste it. Laughing at the absurdity of life’s twists and turns can be a powerful coping mechanism. Missed a deadline? “I didn’t miss it, I was just giving my brain a chance to feel superior for a while.” The word for “crisis” turns out to be very positive in Japanese! 危機 (“Kiki”) is how it’s said. But taking each character apart shows a whole other picture. The first character (危) means “dangerous” while the second (機) means “opportunity.” Every crisis is an opportunity. It gives you a chance to solidify your support system by allowing them to support you or supporting others. Mental health crises, like a panic attack, or suicidal thoughts, are your mind’s way of saying “You are not listening to me! I am trying to tell you something important here!” Give yourself time to listen. A good therapist can help teach you ways to do this effectively.

Step 3: Workout… Your Right to Complain

Exercise is great, but complaining is where it’s at. Pair up with a friend for a good old-fashioned gripe session. But here’s the twist: turn it into a game. Who can come up with the most exaggerated complaint? “Traffic was so bad today, I thought I was starring in my own slow-motion action movie.” “I’m so broke, a pan handler offered me money.” Try it and see if it can bring some lightness to heavy topics.

Step 4: The Self-Care Spectacular

Self-care isn’t just for the ladies. Create your own Man Spa Day. This could involve lounging in a bathrobe, eating snacks, and watching your favorite movies. Or perhaps it’s spending the day fishing, but instead of catching fish, you’re catching up on “you time.” And if getting a manicure and a facial is your thing, you do you. Don’t let anyone tell you what your self-care should be. You know.

Step 5: Befriend Your Inner Monk

Mindfulness and meditation might sound like something you’d find on a yoga retreat, but even tough guys can benefit from a bit of inner peace. Find a quiet spot, take deep breaths, and let your mind wander. Think of it as a mental vacation without the awkward tan lines. Just stopping by a park on your way home, taking in some sun and nature for 10 minutes can provide incredible benefits!

Step 6: Join the Humor Therapy Club

Laughter is indeed the best medicine. Seek out comedy clubs, watch stand-up specials, or swap dad jokes with your buddies. Here’s one of my favorites: “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.”

Step 7: The Therapy Twist

Seeing a therapist doesn’t mean you’re “crazy.” It’s like hiring a personal trainer for your brain. You wouldn’t shame someone for getting help lifting weights, so why judge yourself for needing a little mental tune-up? Plus, therapists often have the best couch in town. Just saying. Let our therapists spot you on the heavy mental health weights.

Final Thoughts: Keep the Humor Alive

Remember, coping with mental health issues doesn’t have to be a somber affair. Infuse your journey with humor and keep things light. The goal is to create a balanced approach where laughter and introspection coexist. So, next time you’re feeling down, crack a joke, grunt it out, and give yourself a break. You’ve got this, and there’s always room for a good laugh along the way.  If I’m not laughing at least some of the time with a client in sessions, it tells me we are taking things way too seriously.  That doesn’t mean we’re going to crack jokes every session.  If you have serious shit to get through, we’ll tackle it head on, without deflecting difficult feelings with humor.  You must have balance though; let humor be your flashlight while we search in the dark corners of your mind.

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